I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage