My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
#growingpains