I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
no one ever comes back
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Labreador