Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???