It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My daily affirmation
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali