News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
technically true but not a great slogan
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian