I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The Compass
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.