Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
i hate you platonically
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
What’s a Messi?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
❤️🦆
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.