a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Ok, but like, how married are you?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.