I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman