my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.