My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”