Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
incredible
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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Morningbreath
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning