My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m not proud
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Sorry. Not sorry
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Yep.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”