#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what