Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat