Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Many hands make light work
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.