I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct