Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
my first day as a raccoon
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity