Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*