[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.