Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.