[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Thoughts
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.