My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
when there are deer in the woods
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!