My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Stop sending me this shit.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help