Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You Might Also Like
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner