My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when