Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.