it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.