First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Plant care tips
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
same energy
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”