Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn鈥檛 sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I鈥檓 funny, and now I鈥檓 sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I鈥檓 too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m, I only asked you to stand up.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Millennial: OMG, you don鈥檛 even know how to make a gif? That鈥檚 so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.