*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
There are no pants in heaven.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”