Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
called in thicc to work this morning
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Fights fire with marshmallows
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food