NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Ion see the issue
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?