dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You Might Also Like
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I think my mom just blocked me
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*