[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
lmfao come on
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.