Me My dog
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Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again