– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.