i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Lmbo
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day