Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When you kidnap a writer.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Worth the read.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.