we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
where the womens at?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.