Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?