what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My wife gives the best headache.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.