“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
knights of the ikea table
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”