Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?