I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.