On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.