Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great