My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
You Might Also Like
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.