There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge